Sick Cycle Carousel
by Cheyne
Summary: Blue's thoughts about facing Rogue.. Rogue's thoughts about facing Blue.. and Lute's view of the battle itself. Contains shounen-ai (Blue/Lute), so if that bothers you, don't read the story. ^^V


I felt that this song really fit the relationship that Blue and Rogue have.. so, here's a songfic based on it. ^^V This has NOT been edited, so be gentle. ^^;  
  
Notes: Shounen-ai (NOT incest, thank you!), violence, angst angst and more angst. Sick Cycle Carousel is by Lifehouse, and it belongs to them, not me.. the Saga Frontier people aren't mine, either. =\ Blue's POV, and switch to Rogue at the second chorus ('cause I tried to climb... etc), and switch to Lute at the end (this is a sick cycle, yeah... etc).  
  
*************  
Sick Cycle Carousel  
*************  
  
//If shame had a face,   
I think it would kind of look like mine...  
If it had a home, would it be my eyes?   
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?   
Well here we go, now, one more time...//  
  
I stand in front of the mirror in the room I share with Lute, in an inn in Shirke. A solemn face gazes back at me.. a delicately-shaped face with sapphire eyes that are framed with blonde hair. Those eyes are hard and cold, like ice. It scares me sometimes, if I gaze into them long enough, because I can't see any of the emotion that I -know- I feel. It's like my eyes are frozen over with the knowledge that I have to try to kill my brother, and nothing will ever show in them until this whole horrible ordeal is over.  
Truthfully, I don't want to fight Rogue. I never have. I've simply gone along with the wishes of the Magic Kingdom.. never questioning, never wondering why. Just -doing-. Gathering magic, gathering companions to help me on my quest. The more magic I acquire, the stronger I become.. and the stronger he becomes as well, for every magic I master, he masters the opposite kind. Our battle will be vicious and cruel, and I am not looking forward to it. Not at all. My companions all seem to have the utmost faith in me, but I don't know if I can share that faith. I am simply existing.. not thinking, just doing.  
"Hey," Lute says, walking up behind me. I look at him in the mirror and I smile faintly. He's always so open, so cheerful.. maybe not the sharpest pencil in the box, but definately not stupid. His sleepy violet eyes sparkle with good humour and light-heartedness, and his lips are almost always smiling. "Will you quit brooding already? We're here to take a break for a little while."  
I sigh softly and turn to face him. "I'm sorry," I say softly. As much as I love Lute, I don't think he'll ever truely understand how I feel about this whole thing. I want it to -end-, and yet I never want to see Rouge again.. because when I see him, I know I'll have to fight him.. and I don't want to. Not at all.  
He smiles brightly at me and takes my hand, tugging on it gently. "Come on. We're gonna go eat. Don't you want to come with us?"  
Another thing about Lute is that he sometimes acts like a little kid.. I suppose it's part of his charm. "I guess," I say uncertainly. He squeezes my hand and seems to calm a bit, and a soft light appears in his eyes.  
"Don't worry so much," he murmurs. "You'll be fine. I believe in you."  
Somehow.. that makes me feel much better.  
  
//'Cause I tried to climb your steps,  
I tried to chase you down,   
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground...   
And I tried to earn my way,   
I tried to change this mind,   
You better believe that I have tried to beat this...//  
  
It won't be long now until we face eachother for the first time in years. There's a place we've decided on unconciously, a place that's branded into my mind.. a place where nobody is around, where we can blow everything to merry hell with our magic. Every time I think about it, I feel sick. I guess there's no avoiding it, no matter how much I want to.. no avoiding it no matter what.  
I've been trying for nearly a year now to become a master in what magic I can. I've tried to perfect my aim with a gun and my technique with a sword. Fuse has been helping me with my shooting, and he says I'm improving at an outstanding rate. Gen's been my sword teacher, and he says the same thing. They tell me that together with my magic, I should have no problem beating Rogue.  
Don't they understand that I don't want to beat him? I don't want to fight him at all. I just want to live peacefully and study my art.. help people who are in need.. and be with Lute forever. That's -all- I want. Unfortunately, Rouge seems determined to carry out our destiny. He's pushing too, learning everything he can in order to fight me. He doesn't know how strong I am, nor do I know how strong he is.. but I'm sure we're a good match by now. There can be -no- avoiding this battle.  
  
//When will this end?   
It goes on and on...   
Over and over and over again...   
Keeps spinning around,   
I know that it won't stop,  
'Til I stand down from this for good...//  
  
Lute has tried faithfully to cheer me up in the past few weeks, but his constant chatter and jokes have done nothing but irritate me. I've tried very hard to be patient with him, and I think I've done a relatively good job.. up until recently.  
"Blue?" he asks, coming up behind me. I'm standing by the window this time, gazing out at the sky.  
I turn slightly. "Yes?" I reply.  
He smiles and kisses me lightly on the cheek. "Hi. I've been looking for you. Do you want to go outside?"  
I shake my head. "No, thank you," I reply. "I just want to be alone for a litle while.."  
He frowns a bit. "Are you sure? I don't want you to be unhappy.."  
"I'm sure, Lute," I reply. "Please.. just let me be alone."  
Sighing softly, he kisses me on the cheek again and hugs me briefly. "Okay. If that's what you want."  
"It is," I say, noticing he's making no move to leave.  
He nods. "All right. See you later, I guess.." He turns around and walks towards the door, but pauses and turns back. "I -"  
"Lute, please," I snap, finally losing my percarious grip on my temper.  
His violet eyes widen. "R-right. Bye." He ducks out quickly, shutting the door behind him.  
I lean against the window and close my eyes, wanting to just fall out and become nothing more than a splatter on the ground. I've hurt him unintentionally.. but dammit, he wouldn't leave me alone!.. what kind of excuse is that, though? After I fight Rogue, I may never see him again. If I lose, I'll lose him forever. I wonder how much of my moodiness towards him is due to that thought..  
  
//I never thought I'd end up here,   
Never thought I'd be standing where I am...  
I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this...   
I guess I was wrong, now, one more time...//  
  
The time has arrived. My friends are all standing on various pillars, watching me face off with Rogue. I'm getting ready to leap to the opposite pillar as him when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn slightly to face Lute. My beloved, who had slept in my arms and cried when he thought I was asleep. My beloved, who constantly tried to bring out the best in everyone.. and usually succeeded.  
"Blue," he murmured, gazing at me sadly. "I.."  
I don't say anything, I just pull him into my arms and hold him tight. I hear various sounds of surprise from my companions.. some of them hadn't known. The ones who had turned away to give us privacy. I feel him trembling as his arms tighten around me, and I bring one hand up to stroke his hair.  
"Lute," I finally murmur. "Don't be afraid." I'd had no idea that leaving him would be this hard.  
He tries to laugh, but it comes out weak. "I'm not afraid," he says shakily. "Why should I be? I believe in you. I just don't want to have to clean you up if you get yourself beaten to hell and back."  
I know he's afraid. He's desperately afraid.. and I am too. I start to wonder if I've prepared enough, if I'm strong enough. "I love you," I say quietly. "I will always love you."  
"I know," he whispers, tightening his grip even more. "I love you too, Blue. Please.. please come back to me, okay?"  
"I'll do my best," I reply, burying my face in his soft blue hair. I breathe deeply, inhaling his scent.. the smell of wildflowers and sage.   
Reluctantly, we release eachother. He manages to smile for me. "You better win," he says. "I love you."  
I manage to smile as well. "I love you," I say. If I die.. I want him to be sure of that.   
Determined, I turn away and leap onto the pillar across from my brother. I face him for the first time in years and note that he hasn't changed much. Long, flowing silver hair, pale skin, and red eyes. His face remains expressionless as he looks at me.  
  
//'Cause I tried to climb your steps,  
I tried to chase you down,   
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground...   
And I tried to earn my way,   
I tried to change this mind,   
You better believe that I have tried to beat this...//  
  
Oh, wonderful. Yet ANOTHER thing to make me feel horrible about our destiny.. my brother is in love. Very in love, by the look of it. How can I kill him, knowing that? How could I kill him -anyway-?! What kind of freak sets out to kill his own brother?  
I argued. I protested. I fought until I nearly got demoted. None of it did me any good.. I still have to fight him. I've gone around the world gathering magic, most of it defensive, hoping that he feels the same way. Still, there's not much I can do when destiny is involved.. and so, much to my sorrow, I have mastered several powerful attack spells. The least I can do, if I have to fight him, is make it so he does not suffer.  
I know I sound really confident. There's always a chance I could lose. I've trained the best I can on my own, making myself proficient with a dagger and a gun. If worse comes to worse, I can always fight him hand to hand. Maybe then he'll see the light and decide to stop fighting.  
  
//When will this end?   
It goes on and on...  
Over and over and over again...   
Keeps spinning around,   
I know that it won't stop,   
'Til I stand down from this sick cycle carousel...//   
  
We face eachother, and he nods. "We meet again, Rogue," he says. "Are you ready?"  
I nod. There's no point in trying to convince him not to fight.. I see that now. He just wants to end this sick cycle.. wether he wins or loses, he wants to be at peace. The least I can do is grant him that. "I am ready," I reply, taking a casting stance. "Do your best!"  
  
//This is a sick cycle, yeah...  
Sick cycle carousel...   
This is a sick cycle, yeah...//  
  
My heart aches as I watch Blue fight Rogue. Memories of him talking to me quietly pour into my head.. him telling me things about when he and his brother were young, him telling me that he doesn't want to fight.. wondering if he should just give up and run away. Through the whole thing, I tried to comfort him, tried to show him that I support him in whatever he does. Now is the moment of truth.. now is the time when my words will mean the most.  
The view of them is blocked by blinding flashes of light, and I'm forced to look away. Do I really want to watch? I'm scared, more scared than I've ever been in my life. I never considered until now.. the possibility that I might lose him. I might lose him for -good- today. Hot tears fill my eyes and I'm forced to close them, clenching my fists. I want to dash forward, wrap my arms around him and plead with him to stop.. try to tell his brother how much he means to me. Try to convince BOTH of them to stop this terrible thing.  
Finally, the battle seems to have ended. After a few moments, someone leaps down out of the fog that's risen around the pillars. I fight to see through my tears, suddenly shaking uncontrollably. Cries of dismay echo through the air.  
"Blue!" I wail, reaching forward. I know it's not him.  
Sad crimson eyes gaze at me, and Rogue jumps to my pillar. There isn't much he can say. He holds out his hand and opens it slowly, and I look down, tears running freely down my cheeks. In his hand is a pendant, one Blue always wore. I reach out slowly, my hand shaking, and take it. I try to clasp it around my neck, but I can't. I sink to my knees and sob, clutching the thin chain tightly.  
A gentle hand touches mine gently, and I release the pendant. Slowly, someone lifts my hair out of the way and clasps the chain. "It was me all along," he whispers. "Just me." He slowly turns away and jumps to another pillar to talk to my friends.. to Blue's friends.  
I don't know how long I huddled there crying.. I lost track of time. Somehow, life didn't seem as bright anymore. But something keeps me from falling into a total fit of despair. I slowly lift my head to look at him as he explains something to my friends.. who don't look quite as sad any longer.  
"It was me all along.. just me."  
  
//When will this end?   
It goes on and on...   
Over and over and then over again...  
Keeps spinning around,   
I know that it won't stop,   
'Til I stand down from this for good.//  
  
*********  
The End  
*********  
  
-- Cheyne  
cheyne@everlastingstory.net  
AyaxKen no Miko  
5:26 PM 6/11/01  



End file.
